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People from all walks of life face the same problems when it comes to human relationships. It is as if there is no end to the cycle of getting together and breaking up with someone. Why is this such a common occurrence? Furthermore, is this is so common, why doesn’t our behavior change in order to come up with a different result? As Albert Einstein once said, “insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” Life is a constant process of being and becoming and when there is a behavior or mindset that we are executing within our daily lives that is bringing about the same or similar negative results, such a behavior or mindset should be altered and changed. This is how progress is made. This is how paradigm shifts occur. The power is completely within us, we just have to come to the realization that the same actions and thoughts that produce an undesirable outcome will not produce anything other than that. Figuring out how the processes the bring about unhealthy relationships can be modified or altered, in order to end the emotional pain that comes about, is crucial to developing a future free from emotional pain.
Observing the relationships of others, I have seen the same thing that great thinkers such as Terrence McKenna have seen, which is that the ego is a big player within a romantic relationship between two people. The egoistic expressions within a romantic relationship vary from intense passion leading to a feeling of obsession, to the feelings of ownership, property, or control of the other person. There are theories proposed as to how this all came about, with the assumption that this was not always the case. One theory is that the rise of the dominant ego came about when there was a shift in tribal societies from being collectivist/maternal/orgiastic to individualist/paternal/monogamous, but nobody can know for sure. What is sure however, is that the ego plays a big part in the romantic relationships humans have, whether they are aware of it or not. The first issue that will be addressed is the problem of too much commitment within a relationship, since it is one of the most common issues facing romantic relationships.
Having a great deal of commitment within a relationship may sound like a wonderful thing at first, but the truth is more nefarious to the health of a relationship that you may believe. Called relationship-contingent self-esteem (RCSE) by psychologists, the putting of too much emotional weight on a relationship turns an individual to evaluate their self-worth solely based on the outcomes of their romantic interactions. Yes, such individuals may be seen by the other as being incredibly in love with them, but it is not love that is the emotion expressed here, but passion. There is a reason that the term “madly in love” exists. By mad (as defined by Webster’s dictionary), it is understood to be disordered in mind or insane. Perhaps you have experienced this first-hand. A lover sends you a text message but you do not reply right away, perhaps because you are driving or preoccupied with something else at the moment. Moments later, you are barraged with more texts that have an air of anxiety, paranoia, and/or panic. Perhaps you start getting phone calls and voicemails, the tone of which is one of desperation for you to reply or respond back to them. This is a direct outcome of a person exhibiting RCSE and such an individual is at risk to become devastated when something goes wrong; even a relatively minor event.
Professor Chip Knee, who is a University of Houston assistant professor of psychology and director of the university’s Interpersonal Relations and Motivation Research Group found this of such importance that he stated that “an overwhelming amount of the wrong kind of commitment can actually undermine a relationship.” Seemingly-small occurrences, such as miscommunication (something that is perhaps more prevalent nowadays because of electronic text-based communications that is devoid of other aspects of communication such as facial expressions), critique of one’s personality or appearance, and the social interaction with others of the opposite sex (heterosexuality used solely to present an example) can go so far as to trigger intense anxiety, mania, obsession, and depression. Psychologists also note that “individuals with RCSE are also prone to react more emotionally to relationship-based situations.” Such individuals respond impulsively, without processing their thoughts and perceptions of a situation through reason or analysis of the situation in order to figure out how to best address it.
Obsessive Love Disorder
The problem of too much passion and commitment is so great, that there is even an anxiety disorder named after it, called Obsessive Love Disorder. This disorder has its basis in the insatiable fixation of wanting to possess a relationship the person whom they are obsessed over. This is usually a painful and all-consuming obsession and preoccupation with an actual or wished-for lover. This insatiable longing either to possess or be possessed by the target of their obsession, rejection by physical or emotional unavailability of their target can result in the perpetual fixation and compulsion to obtain the person they desire (an ego-dominated state of consciousness). Some of the characteristics of this disorder are the following:
- Fixation with a person who they believe hold the key to their happiness and fulfillment
- Neurotic and compulsive behaviors such as rapid telephone calls to a lover’s house or workplace
- Unfounded accusations of “cheating”
- “Drive-bys” around a love interest’s home or job, with the goal of assuring that the person is at where he/she “said they would be”
- Physical monitoring of the activities of a love interest, by following them throughout the course of a day to discover daily activities
- Controlling a lover. This includes questioning the commitment to the relationship so as to manipulate a love interest into providing more attention
- Overwhelming feelings of depression
- A sudden loss of self-esteem or feelings of guilt and self-hatred
- Anger, rage and a desire to seek revenge against a love interest
- Denial that the relationship has ended. This is usually followed by attempts to “win a loved one back” by making promises to “change”
The causes of experiencing obsessive love vary from feelings of unworthiness during childhood to being the way a person learns to love is conditioned during his/her childhood. Various other causes include feelings of vulnerability and insecurity, the selfish aspects of the ego, and feelings of being special or different. Identifying the causes will assist in the removal of obsession from one’s romantic relationships where, as a result, promote healthy long-lasting relationships within one’s life.
Balancing Love with Passion
With the above framework put in place, it is time to talk about how passion overrides love in romantic relationships. It is an important position of awareness to have, because having the realization of how being overly passionate within a relationship can make for a very short one, is critical to the assurance that our romantic relationships are long, strong, and healthy. When people say that they have “fallen in love”, what this actually means is that they have fallen into a fervent passion for another individual. Webster’s dictionary defines passion as being the emotions as distinguished from reason, as well as the intense, driving, or overmastering feeling or conviction. Passion is an emotional expression that is closely connected to the egoistic level of consciousness called desire. Feeling incredibly passionate about another person may become a dangerous situation, since if suddenly there arises a situation where you are unable to be with the person you feel you’re “madly” in love with, then a host of negative emotions and situations can occur like suicidal thoughts, depression, anxiety, mania, anger, etc.
From my observations and personal experiences, I have found that the level of passion someone has for another should never become greater than the level of love the person has for the other individual, or else it will turn into a debilitating relationship and situation. Yes, I did note passion as having its place within the human experience and within romantic relationships, but it must be moderated, tempered with reason, and have its egoistic tendencies minimized. It is not necessarily pure love that people in unhealthy relationships feel, but overbearing passion. Love is something that causes no ills or negative repercussions, in its pure and egoless form. The process of falling “in love” is a largely misunderstood phenomenon that usually ends up having a negative outcome. It can be seen time and time again that when the intense passion in a relationship dies down after a few years, the two individuals may start feeling animosity and hostility (usually in very subtle forms) towards each other and there is less passion (mislabeled as love) felt. The primary problem that I see in such situations is that there was not much love to begin with, but what was experienced was a passionate desire for sensual and sexual experiences with that other person.
True love is when people are together for years and years, without arguing or projecting anger (an egoistic expression) towards each other, and maintaining that constant same level of love for one another. Yes, it is possible to have a healthy romantic relationship without resorting to arguments or hostilities. The ingredients for such a healthy relationship include reason, understanding, and empathy. What they lack, is a strong ego that lives in constant desire of getting something for itself. There is a saying that says “love is blind” but in reality it is not love but passion that creates emotional blindness and puts on the rose-colored glasses over a person’s eyes. Live in love, with tempered passion, and your romantic relationships will be healthy and successful for a long time to come. Progress comes with changed modalities of thought and action, so change the way you approach and involve yourself in relationships by following what has been given here and I assure you that your relationships will flower into something more beautiful and unifying than you may have ever thought was possible.
Just as happiness is able to “infect” others with positivity, so too can loneliness infect others and spread like a virus. The difference between happiness and loneliness of course, is that the feeling of loneliness leads to greater negativity within one’s life. By understanding the way how both loneliness and happiness are able to affect ourselves and others, it will help us to realize ways in which loneliness can be eliminated from one’s life and where happiness can abound. The feeling of loneliness is never a nice experience and so hopefully the suggestions outlined here will help eliminated loneliness from your life. At the very least, this article will show you how loneliness is able to spread like a virus and how it is able to seemingly “infect” others.
No longer can loneliness be thought of as not having an effect on others outside of oneself. New research has discovered that it can spread like an infectious virus among groups of people. Interactions with others where negativity is being projected from those people have the ability to bring us down. The research has found that a lonely person is less trusting of others and as a result is further alienating themselves from others, which increases the level of loneliness experienced by that person. People who feel lonely will see things that people say negatively whereas those who are generally happy in their day-to-day lives will not have perceived that same thing in that negative way. In fact, they may not even notice that there was any such negative intent meant in what that person had said. An odd look or phrasing of something by a friend that would not even be noticed by the happy individual could be seen as an affront to a lonely person, which would in return trigger a cycle of negative interactions that would cause that lonely individual to lose friends and become even more lonely.
Study researcher John Cacioppo expressed his conclusion that “a lonely person who anticipates others are going to act negatively toward them finds evidence in their environment for that, partly because they anticipate it and partly because they elicit it”. Humans are social beings by nature and this is largely due to the overall aspect of consciousness as being an interconnected and unified whole, which is transpersonal in nature. By realizing that there is an interconnectedness not only among human beings, but among all living systems, we are able understand one of the reasons why we feel such a compulsion to interact with others. Unity and wholeness are principle aspects of our reality.
Getting back to the research, it was questioned how many degrees of separation exist for the “lonely virus” to infect someone. The result was that it takes three degrees of separation. What this means is that we are affected quite strongly by our friends’ loneliness, as well as that friends’ friends’ loneliness, and even that friends’ friends’ friends’ loneliness. If there is only one degree of separation to someone that was a direct connection to the another, a person is 52% more likely to feel lonely. I say connection because it does not have to be a friend, but can be someone that we interact with at a daily basis whether we choose to or not, such as an employer. As for further degrees of separation, for two degrees of separation, the number drops to 25% and then 15% for three degrees. The researchers further point out that “people with few friends are more likely to become lonelier over time, which then makes it less likely that they will attract or try to form new social ties”. This statement reminded me of the film Yes Man, where the character played by Jim Carrey becomes more and more alienated from friends and the social ties he had, because of his continuous response to any invitation by his friends to go do anything as being a “no”. He finally becomes so alienated that he barely has any friends left and is a very lonely person. This later changes but up to the point where he decided to make a fundamental change within his life and stop saying “no” to everything, the loneliness kept consuming his being.
In several studies on the subject, loneliness has been linked with various mental and physical illnesses, including depression, which demonstrates how these findings have some very practical implications and why it should be an issue of focus for those who continuously experience feelings of loneliness. There are many ways in which one can reverse the damage that loneliness has done to one’s life and social connections. What needs to be experienced, is the empathy and connectedness with others. By feeling this as a definite reality, one will naturally gravitate towards this higher emotional state of be-ing. High energy levels act as attractor fields or magnets and if a person is experiencing a negative state of mind brought about my solitude and loneliness, immersing oneself in these higher energy fields will help tremendously. You can start by not being as self-conscious of what you say and do. By interpreting everything in a negative light, you are hurting yourself and any prospects of the establishing of a strong and stable connection with someone else. See the glass as half-full and do not over-analyze situations or peoples’ actions/reactions. The reality of the situation is usually much more clear and direct than a person experiencing loneliness may realize.
A great way to shed the feelings of loneliness are to be proactive. Go out and be amongst people who seem as if they are radiating positivity. Be around others who are happy and who have strong social connections. Anything from parties, raves, festivals, celebrations, ceremonies, and other places where people get together and have a good time will be helpful towards this cause. Take the daring step to say hello and make new friends. There is nothing to lose by extending oneself outside the superficial boundaries that a person creates around themselves. Do not count on others to do this for you. You have the power of determining your future. Embrace this power and utilize it to its fullest potential.
Although its use is restricted in many parts of the world for one reason or another, the molecule MDMA, also known as Ecstasy, among other names, is able to create a fantastically strong bond between individuals, where the fundamental nature of reality being an interconnected Whole is experienced. If one is alone while having the MDMA experience, the feeling is a terrible one and becomes difficult to bear. Once a person becomes immersed into a sea of people, or even if it is just one other individual, he or she experiences that any and all feelings of loneliness that may have existed are now gone. The long-term effects of this experience are such that the person will have a more positive outlook on life and not have such feelings of intense loneliness as may have been the case before. These are facts verified by the administration of MDMA to thousands of patients by psychologists in the 1970s and although they are quite profound in a positive way, the legality of this molecule is not such where it is readily available at the local supermarket by the Aspirin. Since this is the case, we are unable to recommend its use. However, the facts concerning MDMA are presented here because the positive effects are the most instantaneous out of all the actions that can be undertaken by an individual to rid oneself of the feelings of loneliness.
Loneliness can be a terrible feeling to experience. The research that has been made in recent months and years demonstrates how infectious the feeling of loneliness is and how it can spread up to three degree of separation. Given this new information, people who experience loneliness can come to the realization of just how damaging this feeling is to their social connections and overall level of well-being in general. By interacting with individuals who are emanating positive energy and states of mind, the feeling of loneliness can dissolve and melt away. Do not become infected with the loneliness virus. Embrace the nature of being a human and form strong social connections. Live in love and positivity.
When comparing the current overall level of consciousness, that we as the human race exhibit, to the unlimited potential that we have in every possible way, we are still infants. Going far beyond the shift from the self-centered to the unity-oriented modality of existence, this potential includes becoming the infinite conscious creative force of Reality itself. It is a seemingly-unfathomable matter to contemplate upon, given our current overall state of consciousness. However, the potential is definitely there; we simply have to go through a supramental transformation of consciousness to reach this destination. Focusing on higher mind-states such as peace, love, and happiness, merging biological and technological systems, and the experience of extropy all assist in manifesting such a reality in humanity’s future. The choice whether we become that infinite infinite creative force is ultimately up to us. Each moment of existence that we spend resisting the realities of interconnectedness, oneness, and the universal laws such as those pertaining to cause and effect as well as attraction is one more moment keeping us away from attaining such an existence.
The concept of infinity is impossible to describe since it has never been experienced by a single human being. However, the idea of consciousness is likewise difficult to describe but as far as consciousness goes, it can be perceived as being one in the same with infinity if the perception is that all is consciousness and so if infinity is, was, and will be the totality of the manifest and unmanifest, then consciousness is infinite. Sure, we can put an 8 on its side and say that it is a reasonable visual and mathematical depiction of infinity, but it does not help us much in experiencing infinity or becoming the infinite intelligent consciousness that encompasses all that is in Reality. In order for this idea to work, one must have the conviction that consciousness is expressed as energy and this energy manifests itself in a wide variety of ways; from solid manifestations such as rocks, to the intangible and unquantifiable expressions of consciousness such as love. This idea makes use of a multidimensional Reality, in which there are several more dimensions than the 4 that we interact with on a daily basis. Theories in physics such as M-Theory identify the existence of 11 dimensions within their models and are adequate at assisting in the understanding of this idea of epigenesis.
Given all of this, it can now be understood how this process of becoming the infinite conscious creative force of Reality can come about. The mystical philosophy that can be used to explain this concept says that a person should utilizes life’s opportunities to change an individual’s circumstances. The evolution of the process is as such:
A person seeks first to understand how previous actions have contributed to current situations. Armed with this knowledge, the person sets out to initiate new causes that will eventually result in the most beneficial effects for both his or herself and humanity, as a whole. The aspirant understands that by using this method, drastic change or elevation in the progression of one’s present and future evolution of consciousness can take place. Such a person is a co-creator in his or her own destiny. This is something known as “conscious evolution”. Instead of assuming the passive status of a passenger on life’s journey, it is preferred to determine the direction and nature of his or her own trip. Much attention is paid to the subtle dimensions of what is considered the human being. Both eastern and western mystic tradition recognize that the health and vitality of the physical body are direct manifestations of this “higher” etheric vehicle.
According to the evolution of consciousness, humans build upon that which has already been created, but add new elements because of the activity of one’s consciousness (in times past interpreted or labeled as spirit). Humans have the capacity, therefore, to become creative intelligences (creators) and ultimately, to become part of the Supermind that is the infinite creative intelligence of Reality. For a human being to fulfill this promise, his or her training should allow for the exercise of originality, which distinguishes creation from imitation. When the process of epigenesis becomes inactive, in the individual or even in a race of species, evolution ceases and degeneration commences. This concept is based on the view of the world as being a training school, which posits that while mistakes are made in life, humans often learn more from mistakes than successes. Suffering is considered as merely the result of error, and the impact of suffering on consciousness causes humans to be active along other lines which are found to be good, in harmony with nature. Humans are seen as localized fields of consciousness attending the school of life for the purpose of unfolding latent powers within their beings, developing themselves from impotence to omnipotence, reaching the stage of creative beings at the end of humanity’s present physical evolution.
Science fiction has played with the idea of humans eventually evolving to the point where they become pure energy and exist in a higher dimension of Reality. Although it may seem like fiction to us humans, it may have become a reality for a race somewhere else in the universe (assuming there is life beyond earth). There is little in the way of impossibility in Reality, which assists in assuring us that the evolution of humanity is far from over. Consciousness has growth potential that is not even contemplated by the most advanced thinkers of today. There must be an open mind when musing about the possible future metamorphosis of the transpersonal consciousness of humanity since without such an accepting position of awareness, the vision cannot be seen. If the vision cannot be seen, it cannot ever come to fruition or become manifest. The 21st century is teeming with advanced concepts, ideas, and theories concerning our current abilities and future possibilities. Let us not close doors that have never been walked through. To get to the top of the mountain, one must first have the courage to climb.
In recent history, it has been theorized that human beings are hardwired to be instinctively selfish. This perception of reality made for way for the “every man for himself” concept and idea that we are individualistic at the core of our nature. However, many studies being conducted over the past several years are demonstrating that this idea is not accurately portraying the underlying nature of human beings. There is mounting evidence that the human race is evolving towards becoming more compassionate and collaborative since our survival counts on these things. In fact, the reasons given by a growing group of psychologists as to why we humans are as successful at surviving and thriving as we are, is because of our nurturing, altruistic, and compassionate traits. With the understanding of the concept of oneness and the interconnected nature of all aspects in Reality, it is realized that this revolutionary perception on evolution makes sense. By being kind to another, we benefit not only that other individual by elevating their positive emotions, but also benefit ourselves by elevating our own.
There has been a study done at the University of Montreal that has found that emotions, depending on whether they are positive or negative, have the ability to either increase or decrease pain. With this being the case, it would be in the best interests of human beings to gravitate towards positive and compassionate feelings and emotions rather than those to the contrary. By being more positive, compassionate, and kind, humans reap rewards instead of experiencing punishments from maladaptive and detrimental emotions and states of consciousness such as anger. In fact, anger has been found to be linked to all the major causes of death in humans. It would therefore be obvious that the evolutionary process of consciousness would prefer emotional states that transcend anger. If all of this is true, then the genes responsible for the predisposition of anger in some, as found in a study where there was a discovery that anger has a genetic component, will gradually tune out of existence according to the “survival of the kindest” model of consciousness evolution.
Dacher Keltner is the co-director of UC Berkeley’s Greater Good Science Center and he has expressed recently that “human beings have survived as a species because we have evolved the capacities to care for those in need and to cooperate. As Darwin long ago surmised, sympathy is our strongest instinct.” This expression of empathy by human beings is directly connected to the realization of oneness being the fundamental aspect of Reality, whether it is a conscious or an unconscious realization. Empathy is the ability to feel what another feels and has recently been found to be a genetic predisposition in human beings. By feeling what another feels, we are able to better understand what another is going through, since we are able to experience it for ourselves. The greatest teacher in life is experience and so it is not difficult to understand that empathy is able to give critical insight into another’s life situation. If a person is feeling melancholy, the feeling of empathy can have a person desire to elevate the melancholic individual’s emotional state to a higher level. Once this process occurs, the higher emotional state will have a positive effect on the other person and benefit both parties. It is in our everyone’s best interests to have an elevated level of consciousness, for we are all One.
A sociologist by the name of Robb Willer has expressed that the more generous we are, the more respect and influence we are able to have. In one study which has backed up this assertion, participants were each given a modest amount of cash and were told to play games of varying complexity that would benefit the “public good.” The findings demonstrated that participants who acted more generously received more gifts, respect and cooperation from their peers and had more influence over them. Willer said that “the findings suggest that anyone who acts only in his or her narrow self-interest will be shunned, disrespected, even hated, but those who behave generously with others are held in high esteem by their peers and thus rise in status. Given how much is to be gained through generosity, social scientists increasingly wonder less why people are ever generous and more why they are ever selfish.” Call it karma, cause and effect, or a result of interconnectedness and oneness, being kind and compassionate is being seen as a driving force in the evolution of human consciousness and our continued extropy into the future.
There is evidence of positive emotional states increasing within the global consciousness of humanity, which shines a hopeful light on where the future of the human race will be. After analyzing data from the World Values Survey based at the University of Michigan Institute for Social Research, it was found that in the past 25 years, the overall happiness of human beings around the world has been rising substantially. This finding goes hand in hand with the theory of the human race experiencing an evolution of consciousness to progressively higher levels. For humans to be inherently selfish would be illogical since they would only be harming themselves in the end. Given that humans are still thriving demonstrates that helping others, being kind, experiencing empathy, and practicing compassion have all been part of the human experience as long as we have existed. If we are to truly experience extropy in the future, the realization of oneness is something that should be within the forefront of our minds. With oneness, come all the positive expressions of consciousness such as love, empathy, and kindness. We are all in this together and it has become apparent that it is in our best interests, as a race, to express these higher states of be-ing.
Humanity is no doubt arriving at a crossroads, at which it will have to make critical and key decisions that will affect its extended future. There are many specifics within society and culture that can be looked at and seen as being detrimental to our overall survival as a species on this planet, as well as the evolution of humanity’s collective consciousness. Behind these issues, lie egoistic expressions such as greed. Greed is defined as the excessive desire for things such as wealth and possessions and can morph into a psychological addiction, with increased desire for acquiring and consuming more and more, and then even some more. There is never an end to amassing and consuming when bypassing reason and experiencing the feeling of greed. This idea of greed being incredibly detrimental to our future and survival has even been expressed within a new report just released by the Worldwatch Institute. It seems that one of the keys to avoiding a dystopian future is the elimination of greed from our minds. The realization of the interconnected nature of everything in reality is definitely one way of achieving this goal.
This new report states that unless the lifestyles of people change in a way that they are not part of the “cult of consumption and greed” any longer, no progress will be made on key environmental issues that affect the lives of not only humans, but all other life on the planet. The idea that consumerism leads to excessive pollution and environmental degradation is not a hypothesis but a verifiable reality. With this being the case, one must look at what the driving motivators or causes are for this consumerism. When one looks deeply enough, he or she will find that at the root of it all, among a few other things, lies the egoistic tool of greed.
The problems created by greed and consumerism are at such epic proportions now that anything short of a major social transformation, and how people perceive the reality of our biosphere, will be an inadequate response to solving the various crises we have, and will continue to have, as a result. The report affirms that the collapse of human civilization itself is a possibility if these issues are not dealt with now. The threat of culture collapse is seen as so serious that the report has stated that government targets and new technology were simply not enough to rescue humanity from ecological and social threats. Although these statements may seem dramatic and over-the-top, they are not outside the realm of reality. Anyone can look around and see the incredibly expedited degradation of the environmental biosphere. These are serious issues that need serious solutions, not simply rhetoric and minuscule modifications. As Erik Assadourian, the institute’s project director had said, it was “no longer enough to change our light bulbs, we must change our very cultures”.
There may be many reasons as to why this consciousness of desire has such a strong position within human society (particularly the industrial and post-industrial parts of society). Whatever the reasons may be, the important thing is to realize that they have led to a detrimental consciousness of consuming that will not come without its negative side effects. The quickest way for the culture to change, is for the culture to have a personal experiential realization. This realization, is that we are all connected and interconnected with nature and all that it encompasses. The planet can survive extinctions, as is evident from geological records. However, self-aware sentient life has come and gone several times in earth’s past. It would not be a good thing if we went the way of the dinosaurs. This is a worst-case scenario of course, but quite a real possibility, as many indicators show. By realizing that everything in reality exists within an elaborate interconnected matrix, where everything affects everything else, one will see that the greed and consumerism that he or she expresses, are negatively affecting not only factors and people external to themselves, but their own selves as well. Interconnectedness is an ancient truth and a now-proven scientific reality (something I go into detail in my upcoming book). This is not an easy fix, but it is unfortunately the key solution to this enormous problem we face today. Hopefully, humanity will come to this realization sooner, rather than later.
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