An Unhealthy Relationship: When Passion Overrides Love

People from all walks of life face the same problems when it comes to human relationships. It is as if there is no end to the cycle of getting together and breaking up with someone. Why is this such a common occurrence? Furthermore, if this is so common, why doesn’t our behavior change in order to come up with a different result? As Albert Einstein once said, “insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” Life is a constant process of being and becoming and when there is a behavior or mindset that we are executing within our daily lives that is bringing about the same or similar negative results, such a behavior or mindset should be altered and changed. This is how progress is made. This is how paradigm shifts occur. The power is completely within us, we just have to come to the realization that the same actions and thoughts that produce an undesirable outcome will not produce anything other than that. Figuring out how the processes the bring about unhealthy relationships can be modified or altered, in order to end the emotional pain that comes about, is crucial to developing a future free from emotional pain.

Observing the relationships of others, I have seen the same thing that great thinkers such as Terrence McKenna have seen, which is that the ego is a big player within a romantic relationship between two people. The egoistic expressions within a romantic relationship vary from intense passion leading to a feeling of obsession, to the feelings of ownership, property, or control of the other person. There are theories proposed as to how this all came about, with the assumption that this was not always the case. One theory is that the rise of the dominant ego came about when there was a shift in tribal societies from being collectivist/maternal/orgiastic to individualist/paternal/monogamous, but nobody can know for sure. What is sure however, is that the ego plays a big part in the romantic relationships humans have, whether they are aware of it or not. The first issue that will be addressed is the problem of too much commitment within a relationship, since it is one of the most common issues facing romantic relationships.

Having a great deal of commitment within a relationship may sound like a wonderful thing at first, but the truth is more nefarious to the health of a relationship that you may believe. Called relationship-contingent self-esteem (RCSE) by psychologists, the putting of too much emotional weight on a relationship turns an individual to evaluate their self-worth solely based on the outcomes of their romantic interactions. Yes, such individuals may be seen by the other as being incredibly in love with them, but it is not love that is the emotion expressed here, but passion. There is a reason that the term “madly in love” exists. By mad (as defined by Webster’s dictionary), it is understood to be disordered in mind or insane. Perhaps you have experienced this first-hand. A lover sends you a text message but you do not reply right away, perhaps because you are driving or preoccupied with something else at the moment. Moments later, you are barraged with more texts that have an air of anxiety, paranoia, and/or panic. Perhaps you start getting phone calls and voicemails, the tone of which is one of desperation for you to reply or respond back to them. This is a direct outcome of a person exhibiting RCSE and such an individual is at risk to become devastated when something goes wrong; even a relatively minor event.

Professor Chip Knee, who is a University of Houston assistant professor of psychology and director of the university’s Interpersonal Relations and Motivation Research Group found this of such importance that he stated that “an overwhelming amount of the wrong kind of commitment can actually undermine a relationship.” Seemingly-small occurrences, such as miscommunication (something that is perhaps more prevalent nowadays because of electronic text-based communications that is devoid of other aspects of communication such as facial expressions), critique of one’s personality or appearance, and the social interaction with others of the opposite sex (heterosexuality used solely to present an example) can go so far as to trigger intense anxiety, mania, obsession, and depression. Psychologists also note that “individuals with RCSE are also prone to react more emotionally to relationship-based situations.” Such individuals respond impulsively, without processing their thoughts and perceptions of a situation through reason or analysis of the situation in order to figure out how to best address it.

Obsessive Love Disorder

The problem of too much passion and commitment is so great, that there is even an anxiety disorder named after it, called Obsessive Love Disorder. This disorder has its basis in the insatiable fixation of wanting to possess a relationship the person whom they are obsessed over. This is usually a painful and all-consuming obsession and preoccupation with an actual or wished-for lover. This insatiable longing either to possess or be possessed by the target of their obsession, rejection by physical or emotional unavailability of their target can result in the perpetual fixation and compulsion to obtain the person they desire (an ego-dominated state of consciousness). Some of the characteristics of this disorder are the following:

• Fixation with a person who they believe hold the key to their happiness and fulfillment
• Neurotic and compulsive behaviors such as rapid telephone calls to a lover’s house or workplace
• Unfounded accusations of “cheating”
• “Drive-bys” around a love interest’s home or job, with the goal of assuring that the person is at where he/she “said they would be”
• Physical monitoring of the activities of a love interest, by following them throughout the course of a day to discover daily activities
• Controlling a lover. This includes questioning the commitment to the relationship so as to manipulate a love interest into providing more attention
• Overwhelming feelings of depression
• A sudden loss of self-esteem or feelings of guilt and self-hatred
• Anger, rage and a desire to seek revenge against a love interest
• Denial that the relationship has ended. This is usually followed by attempts to “win a loved one back” by making promises to “change”

The causes of experiencing obsessive love vary from feelings of unworthiness during childhood to being the way a person learns to love is conditioned during his/her childhood. Various other causes include feelings of vulnerability and insecurity, the selfish aspects of the ego, and feelings of being special or different. Identifying the causes will assist in the removal of obsession from one’s romantic relationships where, as a result, promote healthy long-lasting relationships within one’s life.

Balancing Love with Passion

With the above framework put in place, it is time to talk about how passion overrides love in romantic relationships. It is an important position of awareness to have, because having the realization of how being overly passionate within a relationship can make for a very short one, is critical to the assurance that our romantic relationships are long, strong, and healthy. When people say that they have “fallen in love”, what this actually means is that they have fallen into a fervent passion for another individual. Webster’s dictionary defines passion as being the emotions as distinguished from reason, as well as the intense, driving, or overmastering feeling or conviction. Passion is an emotional expression that is closely connected to the egoistic level of consciousness called desire. Feeling incredibly passionate about another person may become a dangerous situation, since if suddenly there arises a situation where you are unable to be with the person you feel you’re “madly” in love with, then a host of negative emotions and situations can occur like suicidal thoughts, depression, anxiety, mania, anger, etc.

From my observations and personal experiences, I have found that the level of passion someone has for another should never become greater than the level of love the person has for the other individual, or else it will turn into a debilitating relationship and situation. Yes, I did note passion as having its place within the human experience and within romantic relationships, but it must be moderated, tempered with reason, and have its egoistic tendencies minimized. It is not necessarily pure love that people in unhealthy relationships feel, but overbearing passion. Love is something that causes no ills or negative repercussions, in its pure and egoless form. The process of falling “in love” is a largely misunderstood phenomenon that usually ends up having a negative outcome. It can be seen time and time again that when the intense passion in a relationship dies down after a few years, the two individuals may start feeling animosity and hostility (usually in very subtle forms) towards each other and there is less passion (mislabeled as love) felt. The primary problem that I see in such situations is that there was not much love to begin with, but what was experienced was a passionate desire for sensual and sexual experiences with that other person.

True love is when people are together for years and years, without arguing or projecting anger (an egoistic expression) towards each other, and maintaining that constant same level of love for one another. Yes, it is possible to have a healthy romantic relationship without resorting to arguments or hostilities. The ingredients for such a healthy relationship include reason, understanding, and empathy. What they lack, is a strong ego that lives in constant desire of getting something for itself.  There is a saying that says “love is blind” but in reality it is not love but passion that creates emotional blindness and puts on the rose-colored glasses over a person’s eyes. Live in love, with tempered passion, and your romantic relationships will be healthy and successful for a long time to come. Progress comes with changed modalities of thought and action, so change the way you approach and involve yourself in relationships by following what has been given here and I assure you that your relationships will flower into something more beautiful and unifying than you may have ever thought was possible.